In which I unabashedly compare myself to Christ

Today a mother asked me if I knew of any way I could help to get her three teenage children to do their chores.  You can imagine all of the ways I should have simply backed away from such a monumental request - as if she had also asked that I prove scientifically the existence of one or more gods or turn water to wine.  I'm not gonna lie, I felt a little put on the spot.  Not to push the Christ references but I did hum to myself Herod's Song from JC Superstar:

"So you are the Counselor,

the great Family Counselor!

Get my kids to do their chores,

to pick up brooms when they get bored!"

Unfortunately over the past few years I've faced this question with alarming frequency which means I have a false sense of security in giving a litany of answers, few of which may ever prove helpful because the simple fact of the matter is that no one wants to do their chores and once a culture of complacency has been established it is a helluva thing to break.  But true to form I ran through the standard responses (i.e., chores charts, contingent reward systems, etc.) until I stumbled across using an old tool in a new light.

I should explain that I'm kind of a values hound.  I love values talk and I can rant for days on it.  My personal albeit crafted-from-many-many-greats-including-Ben-Franklin-and-Stephen-Covey philosophy is that our values are the compass we unwittingly follow on the seas to our goals.  The goal is the shoreline, the value the wind in the sails.  (I can't remember if I've stolen that metaphor at this moment but if I have please let me know so that I can site my source correctly).  I also feel there is a profound power in naming things.  It gives us language.  Form to the abstract; a way to question our motives simply but deeply.  Our language helps shape our culture, our culture our habits, and our habits our lives.

So confronted with the herculean task of teenagers and chores I found myself asking about family values and their shared vision for the household.  Family Value charts are nothing new in my line of work but using them to reframe the discussion of chores to be a discussion of how we show our values rather than what we have or haven't done is new to me.  A positive reflection of our idealized selves and the language to show our appreciation purposefully.

And as is always the case when I feel I've said something right with a family I work with, I can't help but wonder how effectively I have done these things in my own home.  Samantha and I talk a lot about our future and who we want to be and how we want to live, but we haven't outlined those values directly in a way that would allow me to see clean dishes and thank her for her demonstration of cleanliness and order; friendship and love. 

I think I might need a family value chart of my own.



*** Bonus reading material***


These are not groundbreaking ideas or tactics.  For more wonderful thoughts on values and culture, check out Stephen Covey's "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" or read anything put together online regarding Ben Franklin's Virtuous Life. 

The Amazing Spider-Man

I need to return to this effort.  Purely for my own sake but also to attempt something like thought and reason in a world where I all too often shut down awash in the waves of pop culture and streaming videos on demand from Netflix.

Little time at this direct moment, but here is a poem I had written some months ago I thought to share.

"The Amazing Spider-Man"

 

Dinner before a movie

My wife, myself, and two other couples –

A man’s night out turned evening affair.

We drink happy hour specials and wait anxiously for wings.

Having recently returned from a vacation to my hometown

I have spent the last week grieving the contact

And loneliness my new not-quite-home leaves

With its empty nights

And unreturned calls.

I relish tonight’s attention

And I smile.

I entertain.

I offer wit and banter.

I discuss the great heroes of our age:

Iron-Man, Spider-Man, the Cap and Fury

Their newest adventures and what adventures lay before

In space, on screen and page

And in countless meandering conversations such as this.

My wife whispers to me that I am an obsessed child

And I pause

I am only recounting the stories of others

Their visions, their memories, their greatness

And I find myself at a loss and in search for something real.

Visceral.

A tangible tale of my own to share.

 

Unwilling to lose my audience I grasp

And recount how on yesterday’s run –

I’ve started to run mostly to fix my form you understand;

A hearty chuckle from all around –

On my run I stared to the river cradling the setting sun.

I became distracted by distressed splashing in the distance

And squinting I realized ducks were fighting for the right to mate.

No.

No.

Not that at all.

The males were holding the female’s wings and taking turns –

Have you seen a duck’s penis?  It’s a horrid thing.

A corkscrew of evolution’s bastard parts –

I recount my tale of fowl fornication

Of rape and blood

And a single raised eyebrow from my wife

Accompanied by the silence of my compatriots tells me

Perhaps

I should return to Spider-Man.

Between the fantastic phantasmagoria of my childhood

And the blood of the earth

We need to see these things through a screen

A filter

And in the car I am smacked on the shoulder and scolded for this very thing

My lack of filter

Ruining a pleasant dinner

Before our 8:15 showing of

The Amazing Spider-Man.

App-ocalypse Now

So I've decided to give an update on my "The Death of Boredom" rant and I felt wonderfully clever until I google searched "app-ocalypse" to find the many many others who were more clever and more timely in their cleverness.

And as I type this I realize I've again done just what I had rallied against, fleetingly searched for the unimportant.  Again, why wonder if I'm original when I can quickly and with measurable certainty know that I am not?

Bleh.  In any case, I've taken my internal war against my iPhone to a new destination.  Some people may call what I'm about to describe "healthy boundaries" but I am embarrassed to admit they feel more akin to "painful concessions that my wife may have possibly been right."  Simply put, I made up self imposed rules for my smart phone use and general screen time about a week ago.  I slowly rolled out these new personal expectations silently and with great strain.  I freely admit now that as a result I find myself to be more present and mindful but the battle of boredom rages on and temptations are great.

My rules really broke down to a common sense approach and I in many ways simply took a step back and looked at myself as my child and thought, "What would I think of young Otha's cell phone use?"





- Samantha seen here painting what she described as "The fantasy land you must be living in if you think I would torture my child with a name so odious as Otha."

Here's what father-me came up with:

1.     Only one screen at a time.  This one was way harder than I thought and definitely the most important.  I am notorious for browsing reddit or cracked or IMDB while watching TV with Samantha.  Sometimes with a laptop in front of me as well.  It's silly and devestating all at the same time.  Now when I'm bored with a show I have to question why I'm even watching it to begin with.  Turns out, I don't have to watch it at all.  I could stop.  I could stand up and do something.  What that something is has been an entirely different struggle but really that's why I started this; to revive the motivational power of boredom.

2.     No phone while passively waiting.  Another difficult rule but useful.  Standing in line at the grocery or GAP outlet?  This would seem to be what smart phones were made for but honestly I can't think of anything I could actively engage in with so little time.  Sure I could browse headlines or check emails or look at pictures of cats but really this is all meaningless.  And as it turns out, the world is full of other people.  Maybe you disagree, but my recent experience has been that everyone else in line is bored to and a polite exchange really brightens everyone's day.  Talking with the family behind me, if only to compliment their choice of slightly irregular sweater vests, also builds a sense of comradery.  This line sucks and we're in it together, damnit!

3.     Active use only.  This is similar to the previous rules but expansive.  If I want to read the news it should be what I'm doing, not what I'm doing to pass the time while I'm supposed to be otherwise engaged.  If I'm not getting out my phone for a specific purpose I'm engaged in digital grazing and I could probably better use my time letting my mind rest or enjoying the amazing California weather or talking to strangers.  I'm astounded at how many strangers there are all around me all of the times.  Who knew the world was kinda big?

4.     The App-ocalypse.  No so much a rule as an activity but powerful.  Just came up with it today really.  In trying to help my quest for active use only I took an inventory of my nearly 100 apps.  Turns out most of them are designed for passive use and they are addictive as hell.  Several of my most used but least useful apps were lost in the wave of deletion, their tiny square bodies trembling before my fingers in fear of who would die next.  Top apps to go were silly games I didn't really like and apps that simply pull forth information from a website I could see through Chrome if I so chose (reddit, Cracked, NPR, and the like).  The information is still available, it's just not convenienent and that's okay.  Hell, it was kind of the point.


So these are my efforts to date.  If you have other suggestions or experiences you'd like to share, please do.  If it seems relevent I'll update in the future but so far I can say I find myself thinking more and following my thoughts to deeper places.  No grand illucidations yet but it's early in the game.

What We Say with What We Don't

While discussing federal homeless assistance programming and funding with a friend I recently came to a startling realization: our good intentions are drowning us.  As a nation, as a people, our morale, our pocketbooks, all of it!

You see, currently our federal homeless dollars are put together through a series of grants appealing to particular legislation.  A good example of this is the Projects for Assistance Transitioning from Homelessness (PATH) Program which is funding through the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) which is part of Health and Human Services (HHS) funding.  (I realize a mouthful, but I want to be thorough).  “PATH programs provide services to people who are experiencing mental illness and are experiencing homelessness or risk of homelessness” (from their website).  

This is a beautiful thing.  Our representatives have recognized mental illness as a problem in our homeless population and created programming, funding, and legislation to help pull the mentally ill from the streets.  We have recognized that their illness exacerbates their situation and that it is unreasonable to expect a person with these symptoms (e.g., psychosis, chronic depression, developmental disorder, schizophrenia, or delusions) to “pull themselves up from their bootstraps,” find a job, an apartment, a support network and their place in our community without assistance.  We as a society have made the statement that it is unacceptable for the chronically mentally ill to be subjected to poverty and homelessness as a result of an illness over which they have little control.

Therein lies the trouble for me.  By identifying the unacceptable conditions of homelessness and poverty we are making an insidiously subtle statement as what are acceptable conditions.  We have legislation, funding, federal and local programs all devoted to helping the homeless but in a fractured and segregated way.  Some programs, like PATH, help the mentally ill.  Others help substance abusers.  Others still are devoted to youth, or families, or single men, or the disabled, or veterans.  Some are faith based and help those in their congregation.  Some are for the elderly.  On and on the divisions go and through the web of people for whom homelessness is unacceptable there is the pervasive knowledge that somewhere there is someone who deserves it.

Is that what we mean to say as a nation?  That there are those who deserve poverty and homelessness?  We are doing wonderful things but we are working towards our goals, not our values.  I know that seems like splitting hairs but the difference is profound.  A goal is that no veteran is homeless.  A value is that all are deserving of a home.  Where a goal can be exclusive a value is inherently inclusive.

No one should be homeless.  No one.

Holidays Away

This will be my first Christmas away from the family.  It doesn’t seem like much of a mile marker but we’re a tight-knit clan and I’m not sure I’ve ever missed Christmas with Grandma and the gang in my 29 years on this Earth. 

 

When Samantha and I decided on the very dramatic honeymove it seemed lovely symbolism of starting our lives together; not just our own branch but our very our own sapling of a family tree.  Honestly this still holds true and I wouldn’t change it for the world but there are some pangs as a cost.  Rather than watching younger family open toys, older family open oddities and whiskey, eating too much and falling asleep on my grandmother’s couch I will be visiting with friends in Oregon.  I’m sure it will be a lovely affair, and I’ve said this in many a call and card, but know we miss you all.

 

On the plus side this trip will take us through the Cascade Mountains!  I will later entertain you with actual photos of the trip but for now I’ll just post a map.

 

I’m looking forward to driving through Shasta National Forrest.  I don’t know that they have the redwoods there but here’s hopin!  There will be two other top-secret destinations to be shared at a later time so look forward to that.  Know that they sound awesome in theory.

 

But back to nostalgia!  As this is my first away I thought it would be a fantastic time to share my favorite Christmas memories.  Mostly I have a running memory of putting up my grandmother’s tree and decorating the basement for the Christmas party.  If you asked me now I’d tell you I certainly did this every year for a decade on end but it’s more likely it was a 3-5 year stint.  Still though, I really took ownership a few times there and had a blast listening to carols and laying the train track around a tiny Christmas town. 

 

As to a specific memory I’d have to say the year I needed dental work of some kind done.  I was young and I was in terrible pain and laid up at Grandma’s house.  I don’t remember what had happened (I swear I was a regular brusher!) but it was awful.  I remember feeling like I’d be in trouble for poor hygiene but really my parents were more concerned with my comfort.  They brought me an early gift of a Flintstone’s NES game to take my mind from the pain and I believe a dentist came in on Christmas Eve or Christmas Eve’s eve from vacation to care for me.  I loved that game and while every kid loves attention I remember feeling cared for more than fawned over.  Warm fuzzies abound.

 

I’m gonna try something a little different and see if we can’t get this a little more interactive.  So you go ahead and share below:  What are your favorite Christmas memories?  Or what will you be doing this year?  What do you wish you’d be doing instead?

 

I look forward to hearing from everyone and if I don’t get another chance to say it, “Have a holly jolly Christmas/Holiday season!”

The Death of Boredom

I hate to be another one of those guys but remember the land pre-smart phone? Pre-cell phone even? It’s an odd sort of memory as it’s more akin to remembering how you felt your first day of school than remembering anything specific. There’s a general feeling but in ways it is too subtle yet immersive to be clearly defined.

The big difference for me has been the introduction of omnipotence as a figure in my life. Having immediate access to the collective of humankind is breathtaking. What we do with that is another story but that we have it at all is a bigger deal than we realize. I remember when I got my first smart phone I immediately decided that this was the next stage of human evolution. No longer would I struggle to remember how to get to a destination, the names and lives of our world’s most famous philosophers, necessary math equations, or the like! What a brave new world this would be!

I didn’t realize how quickly knowledge became trivia. Rather than spending my free time immersed in the great works of great men and women I read grammatically questionable quotes superimposed over pictures of cats. I made sure I knew in which other films I’d seen that actor and the goofs on set. I read countless headlines but no stories.

The death of boredom was a helluva thing and I’m not sure we realize the consequences. Personally I can say the death of boredom was also in many ways the death of passion. Boredom was what drove me to seek out and question. The search for the knowledge gave it value, made it a treasure to be had and shared rather than a fleeting image to be forgotten. Rather than scanning headlines for funny pictures and quirky events I wrote. In the deafening clatter of our connected world it’s hard to remember my own voice.

I keep trying to integrate the experience through blogs and the like but I’m terrible at updating because I find that without my voice I have so very little to say. No true reflection is happening. I’ve become a passive participant in my own life. What’s frustrating is how hard I fight this and how often I am failing. We’ve moved to California! We’re at the heart of so much! Every weekend there are movie premiers, hiking trails, kayaking trips, mountain climbs, community festivals, art openings and so much more! I can tell you with both pride and shame that in the last few months I have attended one gallery, gone on one hike, and watched the entirety of Grimm, Once Upon a Time, Supernatural, Bones and several episodes of other shows. It’s not even for enjoyment so much anymore as compulsion. I don’t even give my full attention; I play with my phone and wish I were doing something better.

Maybe that’s the problem. I don’t really give anything my full attention anymore. Not trying to make grand announcement just thinking aloud really. All of this because thought to myself, “You’re kinda addicted to your phone… I wonder if there’s an app for that,” and while I love the irony I’m also frustrated because there was no need to wonder when I could just look. I miss fantasy and open ended debate. Wikipedia you’ve ruined my world.

Va Va Vroom!

Right when we arrived in Sacramento I began checking Groupon and Living Social for hip cool things to do and ways for Samantha and I to explore our new city.  Sacramento is pretty big and not knowing where to go is a terrible excuse for not going out.  That said it helps to have some sense of direction because there are always more wrong choices than right and bad nights can be grating.  Lucky for me there was an upcoming event at the Crocker Art Museum called "Va Va Vroom!"  

The event had a little bit of everything.  It was celebrating Mel Ramos, comic book artist and perv, with a fashion show showcasing the late 50s-70s fashions he so richly portrayed in tandem with the special exhibit.  There was also a small car show hosted by the California Auto Museum, wine and cocktails, as well as the general Crocker collection!

So to break it down: Pop-art, Superheros, Nudes, Fashion Show, Art Museum, Car Show and Alcohol. It was a damned good date night.

If you're an art person come visit Sac and we'll take you there.  Art Museums are never more fun than with Samantha who will take the time to explain the significance and creation of any piece you choose. It's kind of creepy when she starts telling you what brushes were used and where the minerals for the paints were collected based on era but also fascinating.  

The Crocker was immense and their collections impressive.  The building is great too as it's 1/2 old school 1/2 modern - really does justice to the art within.  It was actually so big we never made it to the Ramos exhibit after we got lost in the 17th-20th century.  We did pause for the fashion show however and Samantha loved it.  I was distracted by how Amazonian and skinny the women were but the clothes were nice too.

A link to the Google + album of our amazing evening and a short video of the end of the fashion show.  If I'd have gotten a better view I would have done more, promise.

Also, hidden in the Crocker was a shout-out to home!

Love you all dearly and if you're gonna be on the G+ hangout tonight know I'm counting the hours.